It runs in the family

1 Apr

You know that saying that opposites attract? In the case of my husband and I, that is almost completely true. We barely agree on what TV shows or movies to watch, we don’t really like the same music and we  read completely different genres of books. But there are a few things we have in common: our love of stand-up comedy, a burning desire to know what on earth is happening on LOST and the fact that we are both a disaster in the kitchen.

Yes, I am not the only one in my family who is a disaster in the kitchen. My husband is, too. He tries to cook, and occasionally, something edible will come out of his attempts. Overall, though, his function in the kitchen should be limited to chopping vegetables, doing dishes and emptying the trash. Here’s why:

  1. The calzone incident. My husband decided one evening that he wanted to make calzones for dinner. I decided to let him. That was my first mistake. The second mistake was letting him go unsupervised. Not only did it take forever (we’re talking a 40 minute recipe took about 2 1/2 hours) but he somehow managed to drop a bowl of hot tomato sauce in such a manner that the sauce landed on the ceiling, as well as the wall, floor, and our daughter (she was fine. No burns). My kitchen looked like a crime scene.
  2. The honey mustard chicken incident. Back in college, when my husband had to fend for himself, he attempted to make honey mustard chicken. He used honey, mustard and chicken. Nothing else. He even said it was horrible. I was fortunate enough not to have to try it.
  3. The cake incident. Last year for my birthday, my husband made me a cake. From scratch. It was…interesting in taste and the artistic skill makes some of the cakes on Cake Wrecks look like a masterpiece. But he was thoughtful enough to try, and that’s why I ate it. (Honey, if you’re reading this: a store-bought cupcake will be just fine this year)
  4. The hamburger incident. My husband adores Alton Brown. He loves how Alton Brown combines the science of cooking with recipes and will often try to mimic some of the methods that Alton Brown implements. Sometimes it works; most of the time it backfires. The worst was the time, using the “instructions” of Alton Brown, my husband decided to ground his own hamburger. In our blender. Using steak. The end result was the most obscene, hideous looking slab of meat I have ever seen in my life. I feel so bad for the cow that died to become that. And to top it off, it was one of the most disgusting pieces of food I have ever, and probably will ever, tried (it is not the reason I stopped eating meat but it helped).

I wish my husband’s kitchen incompetence stopped there. Between the floods, messes and ridiculous innovative ideas (ex., marinating a turkey in a laundry basket lined with trash bags and the clever idea of cooling off toast in the freezer because he “likes the look of toast without the heat”), he could be the poster child for keeping (most) men out of the kitchen. However, he does try and I have to give him credit for that. I’m just glad we have a fire extinguisher. Somewhere…


2 Responses to “It runs in the family”

  1. Stan April 21, 2010 at 12:18 pm #

    He sounds like an interesting person to live with.


  1. An unexpected vacation « The Empty Kitchen - May 24, 2010

    […] It Runs in the Family–how my husband is as big of a disaster in the kitchen as I am […]

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