The long, chocolatey goodbye

31 Aug

Dear Vending Machine,

I have something to say to you. It’s not going to be easy for you to hear, nor is it easy for me to say. So I’m going to just go ahead and say it. Vending Machine, I’m breaking up with you.

I know this may come as a surprise considering the long, torrid affair we’ve been having but I feel that it’s time to move on. While I find you irresistible, my bank account and my waistline are suffering.

When we began our relationship 2 1/2 years ago, you were cheap. You had lots of low-cal snacks. Did I make you angry? Did I hurt your feelings? What did I do wrong to make you replace the low-cal snacks with all the high-fat, supertasty ones like Doritos and Snickers? And why are you so expensive now?

I know that some of your changes were not your fault. We all change at some point. But there were no warning signals from you. No notice, no signs, no indicators.  Nothing to tell me-me, of all people-that you were about to make radical changes. I just walked in one day and you were different. I think that’s when our relationship began to sour. Don’t get me wrong. I know that all relationships have ebbs and flows. But ours was starting to ebb more than flow; that’s how I knew it was time to end it. I can only take unannounced price increases so many times.

Please do not think that I did not take the time to carefully consider my decision. It took me a while to get to this point. I waffled back and forth for quite some time. You may remember a few months ago when I tried that trial separation. But you were able to woo me back in with your bright lights and enticing chocolate. Now it’s different. Now, I need to make a clean break. My pants are begging me to make that break. You see, I cannot afford both you and new pants. And the law requires me to wear pants.

I’m will always remember the times we shared. The times you took my money and failed to give me my snack. The times you violently dropped my Twix and made it break. The time I kicked you. The time I asked a co-worker to slam you against the wall when you held my snack hostage. And the times you try to make amends by giving me double snacks.  I’ll cherish those moments forever.

Don’t worry, I’ll still visit. You do, after all, live with the microwave. Please do not be jealous of my visits with the microwave. We have a very different relationship than you and I had. And while I recognize that you’re supposed to grow in a relationship, I was the only one growing.

So, thanks for the experience, Vending Machine. It’s been life changing.

–The Empty Kitchen

Can you see why it was so hard to break it off?


6 Responses to “The long, chocolatey goodbye”

  1. Barb @ 1SentenceDiary September 1, 2010 at 10:11 pm #

    Loved it! Reminds me of a post by Katy at the Non-Consumer Advocate about her cast iron pans:

    • theemptykitchen September 2, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

      thank you! to remind someone of a post that katy wrote brings a smile to my face 🙂

  2. Sarah September 4, 2010 at 11:52 am #

    hahaha i love it!

  3. The Great Mama Experiment September 8, 2010 at 2:49 pm #

    The snacks in your machine look so much yummier than the snacks in my machine! But I still need to break up with my snack machine too. I just have not worked up the nerve.

    • theemptykitchen September 8, 2010 at 8:34 pm #

      it was soooo hard to do. it just kept luring me back in. it would just stand there, with it’s bright lights and chocolate. it’s the damn chocolate. it gets me every. single. time.

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