Kitchen Table Talk: Foods I will never, ever eat

22 Sep

One of the things I’m most proud of is that I know my capabilities and limitations. For instance, I know I have an amazing ability to remember movie lines. I also know that I would be a terrible contestant on Survivor. Besides the whole living outdoors and wearing a bathing suit thing, I am ridiculously unathletic and there is a very long list of foods I won’t eat.

I don’t know that I’d go as far as to say that the foods I won’t eat exceeds the number of foods I will eat, but suffice it to say, this list is quite extensive. Besides coffee, scrapple and meatloaf, here is just a sampling of the foods I will never, under any circumstances (short of being threatened with my demise or the demise of loved ones), consume:

Canned and portable for the woman on the go!

  1. Clamato juice–have you seen this abomination? It’s a combination of clam juice and tomato juice. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why this exists.
  2. Liver–one of my favorite scenes in Brighton Beach Memoirs is when the Jerome family is sitting around the dinner table, eating liver and Eugene’s voiceover says “The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I can say for the liver”. There are just so many things wrong with eating liver, the least of which is the fact that eating it would make me feel a little Hannibal Lector-ish.
  3. Lamb–when I was a newborn, my favorite aunt bought me a stuffed lamb. I love that stuffed animal so much that I just can’t think about it, or the living versions of it, being food.
  4. Haggis–ew. Just ew.
  5. Turtle soup–this is a dish I truly cannot get my head around. Who was the first person to look at a turtle and think “Hmm. You look tasty, with that shell and those fat little legs. I think I’d like to eat you”? And why soup?  The thought of it turns my stomach in numerous directions.
  6. Octopus–another one I can’t get my head around. Octopi look as about as appealing as haggis.
  7. Tongue–for some reason, tongue will make an appearance on Jewish deli platters. I have always refused to eat it under the premise that I never wanted to eat something that could, at one point, taste me back.
  8. Cauliflower–I have eaten cauliflower. I want to like it. It has so much nutritional value and is a versatile vegetable. A good friend suggested that I use it in place of mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, I think cauliflower looks like little brains and as I would mash it, my impossibly vivid imagination would take over and I’d spend the whole time thinking about how I’m mashing brain. Gross.
  9. Beef jerky–it’s a dehydrated meat stick.  WTF?

That’s just the top of the list. Of course, there are also many, many foods I just don’t like (coconut, honeydew, oranges, and beets to name a few); however, that’s a totally different discussion than foods I would never eat. If I were starving and someone offered me an orange, I might eat it. If I were starving and someone offered me beef jerky or clamato juice, I’d continue to starve.

If there’s any redeeming quality to these foods it’s that they’re not every day foods. I’d really have to go out of my way to find most of these dishes. I’m all for the road less traveled, but if that road leads me to a restaurant that’s serving one of these, put me back on I-95.

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6 Responses to “Kitchen Table Talk: Foods I will never, ever eat”

  1. Sarah September 22, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

    haha this cracks me up. i agree w/ you on all but 3, 8, & 9. a year ago i would have said beef jerky was gross but i tried some of my husband’s and actually liked it. you have to get the good stuff though… none of those sticks. but i would never pick it out myself as a snack but i’ll steal some of his! 🙂

    • theemptykitchen September 22, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

      i’ll have to believe you on this one, sarah. i don’t eat meat and i can’t imagine that carrot jerky would be any better!

  2. red_wagon September 23, 2010 at 8:10 am #

    “I have always refused to eat it under the premise that I never wanted to eat something that could, at one point, taste me back.”

    Priceless. Absolutely priceless. This will be my excuse from here on out. Way better than my standard, “Gross!”

  3. Brittany September 29, 2010 at 8:26 pm #

    Does turtle soup really exist?!

    Ewe. Ewe ewe ewe ewe ewe.

    Ditto on the jerky. Caveman food.

    Agree to disagree on the beets 😉

  4. stephb November 20, 2010 at 7:49 pm #

    i must add to the list…sweetbreads, tomato aspic (found the recipe in my grandmother’s handed-down cook books. it’s basically tomato jello), and caviar.

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